Audio book coming soon

I was planning on recording the audio book, but it turned out major construction had begun on my apartment building. 

  I was just about ready to push record and say: Shockingly True Uber Stories, by W. Sage, when all of a sudden I heard all this banging on the walls and drilling in the ceiling right above me.  So I got up all annoyed and looked out the window and saw some trucks and a bunch of ladders in the parking lot, and it turns out they’re painting every part of the building outside, the stairs and railings, and even pouring concrete…

  I was all excited, setting up a nice little home studio in my closet, I ordered all the best equipment, and opened all the boxes like it was Christmas. I was even practicing, with these ridiculous voice exercises, walking around enunciating out loud: “Q-E-Q-R, Q-E-Q-R”, sounding like a mental patient, “Q-E-Q-R”, over and over, and humming in the deepest voice possible, making a buzzing sound in my chest, following all the steps I’d learned from online tutorials…

  And to make things even more annoying, this internet company had the balls to post a note on all of our doors saying they’re coming into our home some day this week whether we like it or not.  This internet company wants this building to have the option to have their service, whether we want it or not, so they’re here all week, all over the building, hammering and drilling…

  It didn’t seem right that some outside company can just tell you they’re coming into your home whenever it’s convenient for them, whether you want them to or not.  And they actually had the balls to write on the note: “Our technicians are mostly friendly but make sure you keep your pets away from them.”  I swear.  Said that right on the note.  And this wasn’t a note from the management company of the building, it’s just some independent company installing something so they have the opportunity to make more money. 

  Oh and this is also during a global pandemic while there are all kinds of laws telling us to stay away from each other.  So I was pretty upset about all this to say the least. 

  I’m from Los Angeles, so out there it doesn’t really feel like “America” proper, out there you just feel like a citizen of the world, with people from every country and culture all crowding together… but now since moving right to the very middle of the country, right in the heartbeat of America, and after living here for a year now, I’m finally feeling much more “American”. 

  Before coming here to the Midwest I’d rarely left California, barely even crossed the border to go to Las Vegas or Tijuana, but now I’ve been to so many states, and seen a lot of the country up close, traveling all around, truly experiencing the true American culture. 

  So these days I’m rolling around dressed like a farmer (as my girl tells me), wearing trucker hats and even a cowboy hat, and thick flannel shirts, listening to classic rock music, even old Southern Rock…

(Although I’m doing it all ironically, like I’m parodying them, and I think the people here can sense it.  I don’t fit in here as everyone looks like clones of each other.  When I was driving for Uber and Lyft out here, it felt like I was driving the same four people over and over.  Groups of four people over and over, looking and dressing alike, talking about the same stuff, saying all the same things… 

So I stand out, as an LA weirdo stumbling around hunched over, and a tall Arabian Princess walking next to me.  I look more Arab than she does, with my long dark beard, so that’s not helping me attract friends out here.  She’s much more popular around town, as she’s a tall hot chick shaped like a barbie doll and through my many travels with her I’ve learned that hot chicks are accepted everywhere, no matter how racist a place is.)

  But I’m still dressing like I sit on a tractor all day, even though it’s not helping.  They encourage carrying guns here, so I really should get at least a shotgun to complete the image, but I’m still trying to be a man of peace…

  And I mean they really encourage the open carrying of guns here… There are signs everywhere on most buildings and stores that read: “The carrying of concealed weapons is prohibited here.” But if you’re carrying the gun out in the open it’s perfectly fine.  So you’re waiting in line at the grocery store and average citizens in line have a handgun in a holster on the side of their hip.

 My first week driving for Uber out here, I drove this dude that said he’s been driving for Uber at night for years out here, and he was giving me tips about picking up passengers, giving me the whole rundown on how it works in this town, telling me where I can and can’t pick up passengers without the police frowning upon you or even ticketing you… and he told me he always carries a handgun right by his side. 

  I said: Seriously?!  You have a gun in your car when you drive?  And I said that sounded like a bad idea, because if you have a gun with you then you’re probably gonna use it.  I told him I drove for years in LA, only at night and someone pulled a gun on me and I was still glad I never had a gun as I didn’t want to have to shoot it out while I was simply trying to drive people home safely, in peace…

  He told me yeah he almost pulled his gun on plenty of passengers, and he once helped stop a robbery at a gas station with his gun so he felt much better having it than needing it and not having it, so I should definitely get a gun if I was going to drive for Uber and Lyft out here… (to be continued in the next post)

The new ebook of Shockingly True Uber Stories is available now on Amazon and the audio book will be available everywhere in a few weeks.

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