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How I Recorded the Audiobook (part 2)

So here I am feeling extra American these days, and here’s this note on my door telling me people are entering my home whenever they want and I’ll just have to deal with it and they might be friendly but I better keep any pets away from them

(I really wish I still had my giant pitbull Louie with me, to guard my pad, then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything, I wouldn’t even have to keep the door locked, but he’s living the good retired life with my buddy back in Southern California on a large property with a lot of other animals, loving life, so I’m happy for him, I wouldn’t ruin his last days by bringing him here to the freezing icy snow)…

  This shockingly bold internet company had me thinking about: “WE THE PEOPLE, US AMERICANS and OUR RIGHTS”, so I decided I would defend my home by any means necessary and there was absolutely no way ANYONE was coming into my home uninvited. 

So for 3 days I paced the floor of my pad, watching through the blinds, waiting for someone to try to come in, rather than doing anything productive to forward my writing career, certainly not recording the audiobook like I was supposed to be…

  Finally I was sitting comfortably on the floor of my living room, meditating, trying to deal with the stress of all the banging and drilling and loud conversations right outside my front window, and I was in deep meditation, floating through space, realizing the Universe is an endless ocean made of the same tiny particles that I’m made of, realizing I’m made of the exact same matter as everything else in the Universe, watching the tide of the ocean flowing into me and out of me, back out into space, seeing all the stars as particles of sand, and my mind is a planet, my head is the Earth, my breathe is the wind, my legs are the roots of a tree, and they’re buried beneath the Earth, and I’m the same thing as everything, even inanimate objects, made of the same subatomic particles as everything else, my mind is a clean blank slate, I’m completely brand new, starting a fresh new life with each new breath of fresh air, I am one with everything  in the entire Universe…

  When I heard a quick loud knock on the door, and I slowly opened my eyes, like I’m Yoda coming out of a trance of the Force, then I heard my door unlock and the door was pushed open but it stopped suddenly and loudly because of the chain on the door…

  I still sat there relaxed because of the deep cleansing meditation session, but I shouted: “Hey stop!”

  I slowly pushed myself up from the floor and left the door open only a few inches, held by the chain… I saw two dudes in masks and uniforms, and the dude in front said: “We’re here to install fiber…”

  And I said: “No.”

  And he said: “Why not?”

“Because.  No one’s coming in here.” 

“We’re installing fiber…  We have to…”

“No.”

“Okay we’re calling the landlord!”

“Go for it.”

  And I closed the door and locked it. 

  Then I sat down and wrote a few threatening emails to my management company.  I wrote to any contact email I could find.  I wrote aggressive emails threatening legal action if ANYONE stepped foot in my apartment uninvited without my knowledge or permission. 

I explained that as an AMERICAN citizen this was against my rights, and I couldn’t believe some outside company was somehow allowed to tell me they were entering my home without my permission during any time in history let alone during a global pandemic, and with my autoimmune condition, my immune system was at risk, and under no circumstances was a group of guys coming into my home touching everything, breathing everywhere, and if it was discovered that anyone came into my residence without my knowledge or permission, and I caught the slightest sniffle or cough then the management company would be held liable to every extent of the law. 

  Since I’ve lived in so many terrible apartments with so many terrible landlords and management companies, I’ve learned to write pretty powerful threatening emails, always threatening aggressive legal action, even though I’ve never had or known any lawyer, I usually get good fast results…    

  But I still haven’t heard back, so I’ve just been pacing back and forth across my living room floor, guarding my pad like my old pitbull Louie, occasionally looking through the blinds and growling…

(continued in the next post...)

The audiobook of Shockingly True Uber Stories is available now on Audible.