Shockingly True Uber Stories

What’s your craziest story?

Everyone asked me that.  I drove for Uber and Lyft for years, only at night.  I drove all over the crazy streets of Los Angeles, and through the snow and the ice in some small cities in the Midwest… and almost everyone that got in my car wanted to know:

“What’s the CRAZIEST THING that ever happened?  What’s your CRAZIEST Uber story?”

  But there were too many to choose just one.  Every ride was crazy.  Picking up drunk or high or deranged strangers on the street at night…  It’s always crazy.  I would always say: You have to pick a category: sex, drugs, or violence. 

  I could tell stories of pure insanity, obnoxious rude behavior, cold calculating gold diggers, disgusting drunks, disgusting yet sober people, aggressive sexual advances, sexual assaults, nonsexual assaults… I could explain how I made a small fortune driving, or I could tell stories involving every drug, ALCOHOL, ALCOHOL (man people love alcohol!), stories of GUNFIRE and MURDER… more than one gun POINTED AT MY HEAD, and me still staring straight ahead with a blank face…  Only God to protect me and a can of pepper spray for a bit until it exploded in my car… yet I walked away from it all unscathed, without a scar or a scratch, not one stain on my shirt…

  So many people told me: “You should write a book of all your craziest stories, or you should keep a camera in your car, and stream it for everybody…”

  And I’d say: Yeah yeah I should, that’s a good idea…  But I never seriously considered it.  I just kept driving and driving for years, until finally a global pandemic forced me to stop, forced the world to shut down completely… and I just sat there parked on the side of the road in the deep snow, waiting for a ride request that never came… 

  But now, finally, since we’re all quarantined inside and forced to stay away from each other… after giving over 12,000 rides, after having possibly over 30,000 people in and out of my car, I can finally take a moment to answer all of your questions and give you what you asked for…

  And I’m purposely being vague about the amount of years and exactly where and when I drove because I don’t want anyone to know who I am: ESPECIALLY Uber and Lyft.  After I reveal everything, and you hear this whole shockingly true story, you’ll understand why.

  I’ve never told ANYONE my craziest story.  It was too unbelievable.  And too traumatic for me.  But since we’re stuck inside for now, I will tell it all to you. 

  I’ll save my craziest story for the end, then I’ll wrap it all up with a most shocking grand finale that you are absolutely NOT GONNA BELIEVE, a shocking finale that’s gonna make everything I’m about to tell you even more shocking…